They know everything about you
Keeping secrets is too hard
Your life is all recorded for you
In holes punched in computer cards
So go the lyrics of ‘Data Control’, an early song by Hüsker Dü, who went on to become “one of the most influential alternative bands in the US during the 1980s”. The angry hardcore/post-punk trio from Minnesota had a point, even if the technology was not yet up to speed. Less than forty years later, businesses really do know everything about you, and not just everywhere you go and who all your friends are. Here is a list of thirty things that businesses can now learn about you, thanks to gadgets connected to the internet of things.
- How you brush your hair
- If your belt is too tight
- The preferred setting for your vibrator
- When you are thirsty
- How heavy your period is
- What vegetables you squeeze into juice
- If you are bad at making tea
- How rare you like your steak
- The state of your home-brewed beer
- How fast you skip
- If you fell
- How hard you were tackled when playing rugby
- The number of coins in your piggy bank
- How bad your house smells
- If your door is unlocked
- If your window blinds are open
- Who visits your home when you are not there
- How often you look in the mirror
- Where your umbrella is
- What the inside of your mouth looks like
- How much toilet paper you use to wipe your arse
- When you switch your lights on
- The temperature you set for your central heating
- How you sort your vinyl records
- When your plant needs watering
- The heartbeat of your long-distance lover
- If your dog is stressed
- When your cat shits
- The sleep cycle of your unborn baby
- What pills you take for your mental illness
Too technical to talk about
Too complex for layman’s brains
It’s enough to make you paranoid
Or drive you crazy losers sane
If that list just freaked you out, perhaps you should follow this Spotify link and mosh around to Hüsker Dü’s Data Control until you are too tired to worry any more. But if you do, they will know you listened to Hüsker Dü and that you read this website. For some of us it is already too late…